My Gender Identity Evolution: Past, Present, and F(tM)uture

Being unemployed for over a year has had several benefits.  I've had more time and energy to devote to being social, meeting new people, being exposed to (new to me) ideas - there are several friends who have lately helped me with some "ah ha!" realizations, directly and indirectly because of their own struggles and bravery in being out, so I thank you all for sharing your lives, hopes and struggles.

I've also had a lot more time to just be inside my own head, thinking about various aspects of my past and present, about what I want.  Below is my attempt to communicate the gender identity stuff that's been floating around my brain, and has finally become organized enough for me to write about - and start taking action.


Past Identity:


As a child, my interests tended to be in the 'boy' realm.  An interest in science, not being squicked by bugs and dirt. I had stuffed animals that I used to play non-house games with. No barbies for me, no 'almost life-like' crying baby dolls. I had a very high boy-to-girl friend ratio, as I found girls boring ("No, I don't want to play Barbies! I want to play tag! At night! In the rain!" or "No! I want to play 'Archaeologist'!")

And I wasn't a tomboy, though I wasn't great at dressing like a girl. I liked blue jeans under my colorful mexican-style skirts. Even then I was not fond of pink. Broke my arm chicken-fighting on the monkey bars in the 3rd grade. Busted my front teeth skateboarding a year later.

In my teens, my clothing selection started being limited by my size - plus size at 14 means buying grown-up women's clothes, not stuff from the Misses section.  That meant there were lots of floral and feminine prints and colors. I snubbed those for plain stuff. Sometimes even nabbing something unisex-ish from the men's department.

If I'd had parents with any observational skills (or, y'know, an IQ above 100), they might have thought to bring me to a therapist for at least an evaluation.  But I didn't, and I spent my teens in a small religious dry town an hour north of Chicago - there weren't any LGBTQ groups in my area, even if there were, my step-father was homophobic.  I had few friends and no access to the internet until I moved back to the Bay Area when I was 17 in 1995 (though I didn't get online until I was 18).  I had no friends in the last two years of high school, so no real exposure or discussion regarding gender identity.  I had no concept that one could identify as anything other than their biological gender.


Present Identity:


My gender identity revolution started thanks to my first relationship (I was 19, my boyfriend was a 33 year old straight cis-male).  He of course wanted a hot FMF threesome. So we tried that. She fell in love with me, and I had more chemistry with her than with him. But I was insecure and young and inexperienced, so I did as he dictated, and cut off contact with her.  At that time, I started identifying as bisexual, but only sexually. I could of course only be romantically involved with men.

After I ended that relationship 4 years later, in 2001, I started my quest to experience life and meet people of all sorts, particularly bisexual cis-males, as I had a new pegging fetish, and the silicone toys with which to seal the deal (the ex wouldn't even let me touch his nipples, let alone peg him).

This was the time that I started having to describe myself to people, online and in person.  At this point, I was a size 12 and really quite a hot femme. I couldn't wait at the bus stop without dudes in their cars doing a double-take, driving around the block, just to pull up to the stop to hit on me and ask me out.  I was very uncomfortable with that sort of attention (especially since the recent ex didn't find my loss of over 100 pounds, going from a size 24 to a 12 'good enough').  I still thought I was fat.

So I wanted to curtail some of the 'gotta bang the hot bi babe' and threesome chasers.  I started describing myself as 'a bisexual man trapped in a woman's body', thinking it would scare away the super straight dudes who saw nothing but a hot body, and not the shy but complex person inside of it.

As of about a year ago I've been describing myself as an 'androgynous queer male trapped in a woman's body'.  Some people have noticed and commented on my presentation in the past year.  I've started wearing ties sometimes, often with a short skirt.  For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable and look good in the two dresses I own.

I always want to dress androgynously, but my large curvy hourglass figure doesn't allow for it very well. Glitter-femme-dandy is what I'm like inside my head.  Boy clothes+girl clothes+bold make-up.


F(tM)uture Identity:


I have a goal in mind.  At a minimum I am transmasculine. I'm hoping to work up to officially FtM.  I need to lose a significant amount of weight. I need to acquire good health insurance (which also means finding a good job).  It is my hope, that once I have lost the weight I need to, that I'll be able to get top surgery (binding really isn't an option for me), then begin taking T.

It's totally OK to use female pronouns for me, now and in the future - again, I'm not about passing.  I dislike the binary pronouns we have anyway - they really don't work these days.  I am no longer introducing myself as 'Rhianna', and I will no longer use that except for legal documents, mail, etc. I'm instead going to be using 'Rhi' (pronounced 'ree'), due to its long use with some friends, and my own use for naming photos with me in them.  It's simple, and shouldn't be too hard for friends (or me!) to remember, and again, totally OK if you do forget - I'm not going to be rabid about this thing, especially since it's going to be years before I can even try to look androgynous, let alone masculine.

My goal is not to pass as a male. The important part is becoming more myself, as best I can shape my body to be.  I will always be genderqueer/genderfluid/genderfucked.  I will always love switching and blending gender presentation.  Even if I do get top surgery and take T, I'll still be wearing dresses now and then, while sporting a damn fine goatee...